As parents, most of us want our children to have a happy childhood and, way too often, that translates into ‘doing’ for our children so that they can experience life in as pleasant a way as possible…before they grow up and have to be so darn responsible.

The mistake parents make, however, is doing TOO much for their children. I have heard this theme too many times over the past few years…parents doing so much for their children that the kids grow up having no idea how to do anything for themselves.

THIS, in my opinion, is child abuse. One of the most debilitating things you can do as a parent is keep your children from facing scary situations, accomplishing small and great tasks, going beyond what they think they’re capable of on a regular basis, trying new things, learning that there is no real thing as failure…only feedback until you figure it out.

I coach adults all of the time who have no sense of being able to take care of themselves…and not just in the financial realm. I talk to women (and men) who can’t cook, don’t know how to plant a seed in the ground and help it grow, have’t a clue how to think through a problem to come up with myriad of viable solutions, pump gas or add oil to a car, and I could go on.

Perhaps it’s the fact that I was raised on a farm by parents who empowered us to do practically everything that I find other people’s inability to do so many things in such stark contrast to my own life. In so many ways, it saddens me because it keeps human beings from fully being able to manifest their dreams.

I raised my son the same way I was raised…in a way that created a human being cable of taking on the world.

I vividly remember a time when my son was around 8 years old. We had gone somewhere he really didn’t want to go on a Sunday morning.  When we were finished…I vaguely think it was church with a friend…he asked me nicely, “So, I went with you for your thing, can I have a donut?”

Well, donuts weren’t something we regularly indulged in as a family so that fact that he asked for this special dispensation touched me sweetly and I said, “Of course.”

I took him to our local donut shop in Corvallis, Oregon where we lived at the time and parked right in front of the doors that led into the cute little shop. I got into my wallet, took out two dollars and handed them to him. “Go get what you want and get a little surprise for me, too.” He looked at me in horror. “Aren’t you coming in with me?” he asked.

“Nope, you’re old enough and big enough to get your own donut so go on.” He hesitated a few seconds, thinking deeply on the choices…go alone and get the yummy thing he’d been craving all morning or stay in safety and miss out on the donut. It only took him a few seconds before I saw him take a deep breath, puff his chest really broad and open the car door to take on the challenge.

He was proud in that moment…and so was I. Not because he had accomplished the feat yet, but because he knew he could do it!

You see, it’s the knowing that you CAN do things that propels us forward towards our goals…having the confidence in our own abilities to take on a task, tackle a problem, learn a new skill, address a new challenge. THIS is what creates adults with true self-esteem.

I have spoken with people who have a grand desire to ‘teach’ self-esteem and, each time, I explain that self-esteem can not be taught. It can only be developed in a person by that person learning to do things and feeling empowered and able to do things on their own.

But back to the donut story…

There were double front doors to the donut shop. They were the kind of doors with nine little framed windows on the top of each door so that you could see inside. My son’s little muscles struggled  to open the right side door but evidently the door was a little on the heavy side. An elderly couple saw him trying his best and the man got up quickly and helped him open the door.

The man also glanced up at me and when I gave him a thumbs up, I could tell that he knew exactly what was going on.

I proudly and delightfully watched as my son went up to the counter, scanned the dozens of types of pastries and finally pointed to two different ones as the woman behind the counter gathered the donuts, took his two dollars and gave him back his change.

In that moment, my son grew in monumental ways that I can’t describe. It still brings tears to my eyes…thinking about how happy he was to have accomplished what would have been a simple task to me but was a HUGE task for him.

The same elderly gentleman helped him push open the door, smiled again at me having watched the entire transaction himself, and then watched as Andrew got back into the car, handed me the change and sat back to enjoy his compensation…the yummy, sweet, sticky, gooey combination we call a donut.

We sat for a few moments and shared what might of been a lost opportunity for growth in so many ways, wallowing in the bond that was created by my empowering him with the knowledge that he could do it himself.

Throughout his childhood, I ceased doing things FOR him whenever I sensed he was ready to do those things for himself. It was the best thing for him and the best thing for me because now, I have a 26 year old fully functioning, self-sufficient young man for a son who can do anything he sets his mind on.

There are many reason why parents don’t help their children learn to be adults. Many parents don’t have a clue how to do things for themselves yet (like in the area of money) and many parents are too busy to take the time and make the effort to let their children learn this way.

I challenge to really look at your role as a parent in terms of how well you’re doing in the area of raising a self-sufficient adult who can take care of himself/herself in every way possible. And if you aren’t able to do this, I encourage you to find support in this area. Your child’s future depends on this training.

So ask yourself these simple questions:

• What can I begin letting my child(ren) do today that they haven’t done yet but might be ready to do?
• What has my child been wanting to learn that “I” haven’t been ready to let him try? Can I set aside my own fears and empower him instead?
• What is my child afraid of and how can I help him over those fears?
• What examples am I setting for my child in the area of being responsible for myself and being willing to take risks in order to learn and grow each day?

Those are just a few simply inquiries you can do each day to see how you’re doing in terms of truly preparing your child for a future where he is ready to take on the world. And isn’t that what we, as parents, ultimately want?

Please use the comment form below to share your own personal parenting stories of triumph with your children!