Since somehow the New Year got to be about change, I thought I’d chime in with my ten cents worth (inflation…advice has gotten more expensive but still only worth what it means to you:-).
Almost every human being alive has something he or she would like to experience in life…we call these things dreams, goals, wishes, wants or even desire. Whatever you call them, they are usually things you don’t currently have.
These ‘things’ can be literal things, like a new car or a relationship, or they can be experiences, like travel, fun, play, or even emotions like joy, happiness or love.
Whatever they are (I’m about to tell you something zillions of people have said before), they’re fairly easy to have. And all it takes to have them is one thing. Well, maybe not just one thing…but basically one thing followed by one other thing to support the first thing.
Wanting What Other People Have – Life Mistake #1
Here you are, living your life. You look around at other people living their lives and you think you see something that THEY have that YOU don’t (first big life mistake). You see…most of the things that you think other people really have, they don’t. Or they don’t enjoy them and guess what? THEY secretly want something YOU have.
Don’t get me wrong, there’s nothing wrong with wanting something you don’t have. It’s just that I want you to want it for the right reasons…not because someone else has it. I want you to really have thought out WHY you want whatever it is so that you are very clear because it takes clarity to create this new thing in your life.
Thinking That Other People Have It Better Than You – Life Mistake #2
We often think that bad things only happen to US and that those OTHER people are living better lives (with all the things that they have that we don’t – see Mistake #1). Not so and no one has ever said it better than Josh Shipp. Here he is for your enjoyment!
No Where To Go
One of my favorite ah-hahs in life has to be when I discovered years ago that there was no where to go. Literally! There’s no place to get to. But human beings strive to ‘get there’ anywhere.
We want to get to financial freedom.
We want to get healthy.
We want to get fit, lean, strong, whatever.
We want to have that job title.
We wan to earn that certain salary.
We want to be in the most romantic relationship with the best looking person.
We want to have the perfect kid.
Whatever it is, once we have it, we’re there! Right? Wrong.
This is what I noticed in my late 30’s and into my 40’s…OMG, there is no place to go. I was simply where I was and it was up to me to make it great! To this day, I love being where I am…most of the time. When I’m not, I have simply forgotten the lesson and have to be reminded.
Creating Change Is Just One Thing (Followed By One Other Thing)
Are you ready for the one thing that’s required for any change to ever happen in your life? I mean really ready? OK, here is is. All change requires is a strong, well-thought out, clear…
DECISION
Yup, that’s all it takes. Yes, there’s having an awareness that something needs to change or having a desire to experience something new in your life, etc. But once you know what it is you want or want to change (which is wanting something other than what you have), you simply have to make a decision to get it or make it happen. Once you make the decision, and I mean really make the decision, it seems like things just fall into place naturally. At least this is my experience and hey, that’s all I can speak from.
The Thing That Follows The Decision
OK, you know how sometimes you live your life paying attention to what you’re doing and other times you’re don’t?
Have you ever noticed that during the times you are very present that life seems to go smoother and you sail through minutes and hours and days effortlessly?
Well, the thing that supports the DECISION is simple…and I call it…
MINDFULLNESS
When you’re mindful of what you’re doing, you’re making choices that support the decision. Often when you’re not mindful, you don’t. I wrote about something I call “pre-decisions” a few weeks ago. Pre-decisions are simply steps that ensure mindfulness in the future, even if you’re not:-). If you missed that post, click on the link and wonder over and read it.
So, here’s your Happy New Year Gift…Let’s call it The Gift Of Change.
If you do these couple of activities, and use this wisdom, I promise you’ll have a lot more success at changing things in your life than you will if you try and follow processes with zillions of steps that so many other people read about. Those articles always just cause me to roll my eyes and not finish reading the information because it’s so overwhelming.
The zillions of steps you’ll need to take for change will happen naturally and organically if you just do these couple of things.
First…
Change Activity #1:
Write down ONE thing you want and WHY you want it. Be as crystal clear about the WHY as you can possibly get. And if there’s any hesitation in your gut about wanting it…you don’t want it badly enough to make it happen. It has to so strong and so clear that nothing will cause you to change your mind.
By the way, did you notice I didn’t ask you to write down all of your goals? Or write down 10 things? Just one at a time is plenty.
Change Activity #2:
Find a place to sit quietly by yourself. Think about this thing. Think about what it will take to make happen…not in terms of the amount of work but the amount of surrendering to it you’ll need to do. Think about this thing in terms of your clarity and your why from activity #1.
When you’re ready, make THE DECISION.
Then smile. Know that you’ve taken the next best step to creating that change in your life, bringing that experience into your life, having that thing that you really want.
Once you’ve made The Decision, it’s time for the mindfulness. Notice how you feel, notice what you say about the thing (maybe best at first to keep it to yourself rather than spread it around. Just see how THAT feels. This helps make sure you made the decision for YOU).
Then start to notice how you take little steps toward this thing each day without even really thinking about it.
Mindful Sticky Note
Tips To Stay Mindful
This may sound silly but just put notes up around your house, in your car, on your desk, in the bathroom that say, “MINDFUL” on them. All I can say is thank goodness for sticky notes!
Once you get the hang of it, you won’t need so many of these reminders but they are the most wonderful thing.
They will remind you to think before spending money on something you don’t need or want (you knew I’d get that in there somewhere…after all it IS a blog about financial wisdom), think before you choose something other than what will move you toward the object/subject of your decision, etc.
Change…In Summary
It’s simple…
If you live in a country where you’re free to make changes in your life, then you have the power to change your life and have something you want. (And though inherently we are all born with the ability to be free thinkers, we’re not all raised to understand and believe this and if you don’t believe it..well…it isn’t so.)
Choose something you want to change or something you want to experience or something you want in your life.
Be crystal clear about wanting it and why.
Make the decision to make it happen.
Be mindful as you take the steps to bring it about.
Enjoy the process along the way (which is the main reason behind the mindfulness in the first place).
MOVIE TIP: If you have Netflix, rent The Flowering of Human Consciousness with Eckhart Tolle. He is the author of The Power of Now which I loved and recommend often.
So, Happy New Year. Happy Today. Happy Moment and all the moments that will follow for you.
How does it make you feel? What goes through your mind?
Do you enjoy setting goals? Do you dread setting goals?
Do you do anything to keep from having to think about, talk about or write down your goals?
Depending on the type of person you are, goals can be helpful or hurtful. They can help direct your energy toward an accomplishment you’d like to experience or they can make you feel all tied up in knots.
For me, it’s the latter. I’ve never understood them. I’ve never enjoyed doing them. I’ve never found them useful and I certainly don’t judge my success as a living, breathing, human being by them. But many people do.
Now don’t get me wrong, I DO actually sit down fairly regularly and think about what I’d like for myself, my business, etc. I write these thing down and even look back over them on a fairly regular basis. After all, if Stanford University says that it takes writing goals down on a regular basis in order for them to come true, well, by all means, let’s write them down! 🙂
The thing is, for me, they don’t drive me. For other people that I know, they are indeed the driver. These goal-oriented people strive each day to reach closer to their goals. It seems to give them a sense of purpose each day. But for people who don’t ‘get’ the whole goal thing, there is another way.
First, you have to understand that if you’re not a goal-oriented, goal-centered person, you’re probably what I call a process-oriented, process-centered person. You love the process of life, you enjoy learning and doing and creating and noticing and smelling and, well, you get the idea. And you know which kind of person you are just by reading these words.
Regardless of which type of person you are relative to goals and goal setting, I’m going to invite you to try a different process this year.
All Important Life Question
Instead of setting goals this year, ask yourself one simple question:
Do you want to DO the following year like you’ve done this year
or would you like to do the coming year differently?
If you DO want the next year to be like the last, then proceed to do things like you did them last year. And if this is your choice, great work knowing that you like what, and how, you’re doing life and all that it entails.
If you DO NOT want to do next year like the last one, well, you have a few steps to take. And the first step is another question:
What DO you want to be doing next year?
For many people, this simple question can bring up a myriad of emotions:
Fear
Anxiety
Stress (which Eckert Tolle says is simply not wanting to be where you are)
Dread
Overwhelm
Or any number of other emotions.
Why the emotions? Because we don’t LIKE goals. We don’t UNDERSTAND goals. In high school and college, when my teachers came in and said we were going to learn how to set short and long-term goals, I just rolled my eyes and said, under my breath, “Oh, goody. Here we go again with the goals.”
I’d do the activity but I’d never really DO the activity. Even back then my gut told me that setting goals weren’t important FOR ME. But they are for others.
Answering the first question:
For me, I have answered the main question above, “No, I want to do life differently next year.”
Answer the second questions:
I want more movement. I want to be outside more. I want to swim in the ocean (a warm ocean). I want to write more and create more. I want to do more of what makes people happy (make gluten-free cookies and muffins, believe it or not:-).
OK, that’s all for now.
How will YOU answer the question? Just something else to think about this holiday season. I wish you all of the happiness you can be aware of between the spaces of everything going on.
Theresa finally passed away this past Monday. It was a good thing. Wait ’til you read what happened.
But first…
Last night, I stopped in to help a friend put together a table because her husband fell and broke his arm last week (on Christmas lights!), and I ended up staying for a yummy dinner with them. It was splendid.
One of the highlights of the evening was when my bestest friend, Peggy, shared a Christmas letter from a friend. The humor in the man’s words was simple but you couldn’t help but smile and laugh out loud. She said it’s the only letter she reads each year because it’s so funny.
So that got me thinking, of course. What IS it that prompts someone to read something someone has written? And no, this certainly isn’t the first time I’ve contemplated this all-important question. I was thinking about it in terms of the holidays.
The world seems so busy right now, doing ‘holiday things’, and I’m not sure that the regular blog article is enticing enough to pull you away from what you’re doing long enough to make a difference or to touch you in some way.
But I’m going to try anyway!
Back to Theresa
If you’re just coming in on this story, let me set the stage for you. And even if you read the first blog about Theresa I did a while back, there’s probably tidbits here for you, too.
In 1992, I met Theresa, age 81, at a local health club where I was the Fitness Director (loved that job!). I started walking on the beach with her and we became great friends. I was 37. We were a very odd couple.
She’d come over with her husband, a master jeweler, and their young daughter, Gerda, on a boat from Germany. Oh, the story of that trip! What I remember was her being starved for fruit and vegetables those longs weeks between Germany and New York City, where they landed.
Those beach walks weren’t just walks. They were movies. Of the war. Of living through bombings. Of the pain of her husband dying too early. Of the struggles of coming to America, having a sponsor, finding a new place in a new culture, to call home.
At some point, I started visiting her at home, helping her with little things or just simply sitting and visiting. She took great pride in preparing lemonade or tea and some type of little sweet for us to share.
In the summer we sat on your well-manicured patio, full of flowers and scents and her handiwork. In the winter, we sat in her oddly arranged living room. Imagine a very old, yellowish couch with a long, cheap coffee table in front and too close to it and two single chairs in front of the couch flanking the coffee table. You could barely get to the couch but it was always that way and unless her grandson has changed it since she died on Monday, it’s that way now.
I eventually started bringing my husband, John, on Sundays and well, it just got to be our Sunday thing. “When are we going to go see Theresa?” one of us would ask. We’d work it into the day, call her to let her know when we’d be there, and on we’d go.
Over the years, however, Theresa got more and more hostile towards America and humanity in general. She was critical of pretty much everything. I chalked it up to both her husband and daughter dying in their mid-50’s and the sheer weight of being alone for all of those years.
Nowadays, we have tools and support groups to help people to find purpose and pleasure again, but the mindset she brought with her from Germany and the culture she knew didn’t leave room for that. She was just angry inside. And this anger was seeping into me each time we visited.
Fast forward to 2002
With a divorce in the process, and Theresa becoming increasingly negative, I just didn’t have the tools yet to protect myself. The negativity I felt when I left her home on Sundays was far greater than the guilt I felt from not visiting her and I slowly stopped seeing her altogether. I NEVER stopped thinking about her, however, and each time I passed by her home, my heart wanted to stop. But I couldn’t…yet.
Wednesday, August 18th, 2010
I had an appointment a few miles from my house. One of my roommates dropped me off because I decided I wanted to walk home for exercise that day. This walk took me two blocks from Theresa’s home.
The knocking I couldn’t ignore
The thoughts of her had gotten stronger over the past few months and I could no longer neglect the tugging at my heart. I turned the corner, walked to her home, rang her door bell and was greeted by the biggest smile I think I’ve ever seen.
She invited me in, we chatted, she was grateful to have company. She was even lonelier than I remembered. I realized she was struggling with her memory a bit and had to remind her of things we’d done together before it all fell into place for her. I guess at 95 we’re entitled to forget a few things! She was ecstatic at the possibility of having company who cared about her again.
The reunion was sweet. I guess at 95 we’re entitled to forget a few things! The best part? She didn’t ask why I had stopped visiting. THAT was a blessing.
I explained that I was going to Oregon for three weeks and that I’d be home on Sept. 14th. I told her that as soon as I was home, I’d come by and help her with some projects and visit again.
NOTE: Between 2002 and 2010, she had had a second hip replacement, a couple of knee operations, fallen a few times and more. Her health was terrible and the once vibrant woman who walked miles, was using a walker to move about her world.
SECOND NOTE: Sometime around 2001, her grandson (the son her daughter had given up for adoption), had arrived upon the scene because the daughter had gone in search of him before she died. I think the grandson did his best to take care of a grandmother he never really knew, but the bond that she had hoped so desperately to develop, according to her, never did. I don’t blame him for this…she is one hard woman to get close to and deal with. I can only imagine what the last many years have been like for him.
On with the story
I came home from my trip and it took me a few days to get my life together after being away so long. The following Sunday, my girlfriend, Marilyn, and I went to visit Theresa. And that’s where the current story began, and ended, on Monday.
We found Theresa, after some work on our parts, with a gaping wound in her leg that needed emergency care. Our planned visit turned into hours in the hospital. I could never have known what the fateful Sunday would entail for Theresa or myself. Who could have known that that would be the last time she saw her kitty, Ricky, or the home that she loved so dearly.
She spent a week in the hospital and then moved to a skilled nursing facility. It was clear to all of us that her body was never going to heal.
She constantly said she wanted to die. I encouraged her to stop taking her medicine but you know what? It’s one thing to SAY you want to die (translation: I don’t want to wake up tomorrow) but something entirely different to take steps towards that end. She knew it. I knew it. We talked about it openly.
Before I left for Baltimore last weekend, I had a fateful visit with her lovely doctor, Eric. We talked opening about what she wanted. He suggested hospice and I eagerly agreed. I gave him the grandson’s phone number and he called, suggesting hospice as the next step. Every part of my body was crossed! I knew it was the next right step in Theresa’s journey.
End of the story…sort of
While I was in Baltimore last weekend, I got the call. She would be moved into Serenity House here in Santa Barbara, on Friday. I was thrilled and my heart leaped with relief. Marilyn was visiting her while I was away and kept telling Theresa I would be back on Monday. I would be back on Monday. I would be back on Monday. Thoughts of her dominated every recess of my mind while I was away.
A Monday I will never forget
I got home too exhausted to visit (though I will always wish I had) on Sunday. I called Monday morning and Karen told me she was close. I told her I had two appointments and I’d be there as quickly as I was able and to please tell Theresa I was coming. I kept saying out loud, “Theresa, wait…just a few hours.”
After my appointments, at about 2 pm, I hightailed it to Serenity House. About a mile from the facility, I had the strangest experience. My whole body took a deep breath…and I wasn’t the one who did it.
Sidebar…I don’t speed or drive in a hurry. But after that deep breath, I couldn’t get there fast enough.
I parked. I walked in and told them who I was. She hurried me to Theresa’s room. (I had been here before with my golf teacher years ago so it was quite familiar.)
I did what I always did when I saw Theresa. I put my right hand on her left cheek and cupped it to caress her cheek. She wasn’t in a state that any of us would call cognizant, but she was still alive…and then she wasn’t.
As the gal walked me over the other side of her bed and got me a chair so that I could hold her hand, we both realized she had taken her last breath when I had touched her.
She had waited for me.
Tears of joy. Tears of sadness. Tears of regret at having had to go to Baltimore THAT weekend. Tears of knowing that life is so precious. Tears of every sort of emotion and color and experience seemingly possible streamed from my eyes on and off for some time, and still do.
Why this story now?
Because Christmas and Hanukkah are filled with the idea of gifts. Theresa, and spending almost every day for the past three months with her, was the most unexpected gift I could have ever imagined, or asked for. I’m still unwrapping them and I have a feeling the unwrapping will continue for quite some time.
What I really learned
I know that the only thing that really fills MY heart is when I help someone fill theirs. This is not a new lesson, mind you. It’s the SAME lesson we all learn and the sooner we learn it, the more peace and joy we seem to experience while we’re alive.
I’m thankful to have learned it long ago and grateful to continually have the opportunity to practice the lesson. I’m always so in awe of how many ways this lesson manifests itself in our lives.
Reflection
At this moment, sipping some decaf coffee at 7 am in the morning, writing this story for you to enjoy, I can look down and see the wedding ring that Theresa wore for close to 75 years. Her husband had crafted the ring for her at some point but I don’t recall how old the ring actually is. All I know is that I want to wear it forever…as a reminder to go visit some other old person who finds my smiles and touch as much of a blessing, and comfort, as Theresa did the past three months.
I told her once that I never visited her out of obligation…I only came to see her because I wanted to. She smiled and always thanked me for visiting. I’m actually the only one she would spend any amount of time with. Once she said to me, “If I didn’t have you, I wouldn’t have anyone.” If THAT doesn’t entice you to continue visiting someone in need, what would?
So…Happy Holidays to you and everyone YOU smile at and touch on a regular basis. Just remember, it’s not the gifts you buy in a store with money that count. It’s the gift of yourself that you give to others that really matters.
It’s not too late to change your holiday game plan.
Guest Blog By Jan K. Ruskin
The holidays, for most, are about spending time with family, making special connections, honoring friends and family with gifts and baked goods, and enjoying lots of beautiful music and great movies. I’ve always loved it all. This year, however, I anticipated the season with way more anxiety and stress than I care to admit as well a huge amount of self-imposed pressure to do it “right”.
Not wanting to disappoint anyone, most especially my family, I allowed the “spirit of giving” to chip away at my good cheer AND threaten my bank account.
The fact that I was already sleep-deprived and hadn’t looked at our budget in months almost had me wishing I could skip the holidays altogether. I say almost because, truthfully, I preferred to do them another way. I knew that, if this season was to be anywhere near wonderful, I had to deal head-on with the two most obvious causes of my stress and anxiety: Time and Money. I sat down and took an inventory ~ faced the reality of what I had to work with ~ and am now making choices that will have me enjoying the holidays instead of holding my breath, crossing my fingers, and getting through them.
If you, too, are looking at these next 30 days with some resistance, I encourage you to join me and “coach yourself” into the possibility of a more relaxed, present, fun, and authentic holiday season. As you’ll see, time and money have some interesting parallels.
Coaching yourself means putting YOU on your calendar NOW to look at where you are and what you’re wanting. It means holding yourself accountable to the choices you are making and noticing if they are working for you. The following exercises can be used alone or all together ~ but you have to DO THEM for them to work!
It’s Black and White
TIME is finite! You know how much you have. There is no guesswork. There are 24 hours in a day and you get to divide it up any way you choose. The fact that we always have more to do than there is time for is a made-up prospect. Take comfort in knowing it is what it is!
Get out your “to do list”, estimate the amount of time each task will take, and map out your schedule. Some things will have to go. Let them. And don’t forget to add sleeping, eating, exercising, and some quiet time to your list! (If you’re really bold, you’ll schedule those first!)
MONEY is finite! You know how much you have. And you get to choose how you spend it. You might not like the amount you have but that doesn’t change how much you have to divide up. Take a deep breath, be brave, and get real with your money!
Create a list of all the things you want to buy in the next 30 days, figure out how much you have to spend above and beyond your regular expenses, and see what you can cover. If you are not able to cover it all, you’ll have to make some choices. This is where you become the rigorous coach; would you rather live with the anxiety and stress of going into debt or the feeling of possibly disappointing others? Sometimes being honest with others gives them permission to do the same.
Your Beliefs Change Reality
TIME beliefs: “There’s not enough!” “It goes too fast.” “Time moves slowly when I’m doing something I don’t like.” “There’s no time for me.”
These are perceptions and projections. They are not true but, since so many of us have the same beliefs, they feel true. A minute takes a minute; it’s no faster, no slower.
MONEY beliefs: “There’s not enough!” “It disappears so fast.” “I deserve to have something new for the party.” “It’s okay to go into debt to make people happy.”
These are conditioned projections about money. They are not true but many of us have been living with them for a very long time so they feel true. A dollar is a dollar; that’s all.
Write down some of your beliefs about Time and Money. What do you find yourself saying about them? Choose three that feel limiting and turn them around into something positive. For example: “There’s not enough” becomes “There’s plenty for all I need and want”. Start replacing your conditioned thoughts with your new ones and see what happens. (You might try them in a morning mantra.)
How You Choose
TIME choices: How do you decide what to spend your time on? How do you decide how much time to spend on your tasks? How do you keep time boundaries? When are your boundaries negotiable? How disciplined are you in keeping time?
MONEY choices: How do you decide what to spend your money on? How do you decide how much money to spend on things? When is your plan negotiable? When do you ignore your budget?
Write down your answers to these questions or any others that may pop up. If you have a trusted friend, you can ask each other. You might be surprised at what you learn about yourself! Questioning our beliefs opens us up to new ways of being.
Suspending Reality
Cheating TIME: Where and when do you try to squeeze out more time? When do you try to do more than one thing at a time? When are you rushed? Late? If you need more hours in the day, where do you get them? Who is impacted?
Cheating MONEY: When do you pretend that you have more than you do? Where do you justify spending beyond your means? In what situations do you spend money to avoid conflict? What rationales do you use when you overspend? Who is impacted?
If you find yourself getting uncomfortable or wanting to stop this process, DON’T! Discomfort is always an indication that you’re getting into the territory of transformation. Stick with it. Remember, this is all about creating the holiday experience you really want!
Visualize Your Perfect Day
Finally, take a moment to close your eyes and look into the future. Choose one day that is important to you during the holidays. Picture the people you hope to be with, what you’re doing… the smells, the sounds, the tastes… and most importantly the FEELING you want to have. Let this be your best guide and intention for what you might be willing to change (or give up) in order to have the most enjoyable holiday you can.
A final note: Don’t be too hard on yourself. Even if you do one thing differently this time around, you’re taking a step in the right direction… a step closer to the real you and the possibility of inviting in a little magic! Happy Holidays!
Jan K. Ruskin is a Life Coach and writer living in Santa Barbara with her husband and their three children. She has worked with Elisabeth at Creative Wealth Intl., LLC for several years and provides the most amazing support anyone could EVER ask.
Now that we have ATM machines that spit out money and credit cards that seem to magically buy anything we want, it’s important to give children a picture of what is happening behind the scenes so that they develop a healthy perspective on money.
Even though it might seem unnecessary, we suggest making an actual date with your kids to learn about the bank. Even though most people don’t do most of their investing with their bank, the bank IS usually the first step for anyone starting to save money.
Creating a “special event” alerts childrens’ brains to pay attention in a different way. With younger children, going to the bank with you may be interesting enough. With an older child (even a teen), make the bank your first stop to withdraw money to buy something you would buy anyway, like school supplies, groceries for the week, new shoes, etc. (This is also a good opportunity to talk about budgets and spending choices ~ for any age.)
On your way to the bank, explain what you know about banks and why we have them, what they offer, and the services you and your family take advantage of.
Once you arrive, point out the different areas of the bank (you might visit other branches of your bank if they differ), and talk about what you will be doing on this visit. If you’re making a deposit or a withdrawal, give your child a blank slip and let him fill it out for practice. Don’t hesitate to enlist the bank representatives to add more information if it doesn’t embarrass your child too much!
And, as always, if your child has questions that you can’t answer, look them up together when you get home. (Talking to your kids about money is one of the best ways to help raise money-savvy adults.)
For older teens getting ready to go off to college or move out on their own, insist on making an actual date with your bank representative to talk about fees, interest rates, etc. You’d be surprised at the questions teens ask bankers (we know…we did this in last summer’s Moving Out! for Teens program here in Santa Barbara).
There are a lot of little facts about banking that us adults don’t even know. When your banker tells you something that you didn’t know, own up
to it by saying something like, “Wow, I didn’t even know that!” This makes your kids feel good because they weren’t the only one.
After the initial bank date, see if you can come up with other financial/money topics you can talk to your child about each time you visit your bank or financial planner. Put it this way…you can NOT talk to your children about money often enough.
Now go out there and make yourself a bank date!
*Note: Whenever you use an ATM machine, remind your child that someone puts the money in there, just like filling up the vending machines or stocking the shelves at the grocery store.
This week’s article was prompted by the following email I received last week.
Dear Elisabeth,
I love your emails, thank you! I’m a little confused about something, and it just might be something that you could address for others as well.
I hear and read that in order to quickly manifest what we want in our lives, the emotions and feelings related to what we want should be strong and intensified. The stronger the emotions and feelings, the stronger my vibration to attract it to me.
At the same time, I hear and read that if I want something “too much”, I’m in essence “holding too tight” which cuts off the source that can bring it to me; that the only way I can actually manifest anything is if I’m “OK” without getting the thing that I want! The idea seems to be that if I’m “attached” to it, it won’t happen.
I’m struggling with balancing this fine line…how to intensify the emotions and feelings in an effort to increase the vibration for manifestation, without wanting it soooo much that I’m no longer OK without it, thereby restricting the process of manifestation.
Hoping you can help me, and others, who may be struggling with the same ideas! Thanks so much for your time, expertise, and consideration!
Have a wonderful day, C
OK…so here goes.
Dear C,
Sometimes I think we make too much out of what we hear and read and we try to dissect it so deeply that it ceases becoming anything meaningful or of value. This may be one of those situations.
We all want to live the lives we want to live, so those of us who have come across this powerful information relative to manifesting these lives are drawn to anything and everything related to it. Sometimes, in the process of making heads or tails of it, our brain spins this way and that way because it can’t stack it all up neatly like our A, B, Cs. What do we do then?
I think one of the main things that stops what we want from coming into our lives is worrying about it, specifically, worrying about not having it. It’s always made a lot of sense to me that the main reason we don’t get what we want in life is because we spend more time thinking about “not” having it than we do “having” it.
Because our lives are very much a reflection of our thoughts, we get what we’re thinking of and that is the “not” having it piece.
I’m not sure if things come into our life because of some mystical vibration or simply because we stay focused on those things and do the necessary things to make those things real. There’s something called Reticular Activation that basically says that whatever you become focused on, you see more of.
I remember a great example of this…when I was pregnant with my son, Andrew, I saw pregnant women everywhere! I was focused on my pregnancy so that’s what I saw everywhere I looked.
Then, I became focused on financial literacy and how much people didn’t know about money, and there it was; tons of articles, news reports, books, people talking about money, etc. It was everywhere.
Now, I focus on making a difference and I find the opportunity to do so every where I look.
When you’re focused on success, you see success.
When you’re focused on problems, you see problems.
When you’re focused on seeing opportunities, you see opportunities.
When you’re focused on not getting it right, you don’t get it right.
Now for C’s question about the “wanting” part of the equation: Is it a problem wanting something too much?
My answer is no, unless this wanting is causing you pain or suffering. No, unless the wanting is keeping you not OK with where you currently are in life. No, unless you forget to live today and perpetually live for tomorrow. I think this is the key.
It is the worrying that messes up the vibration, so to speak. It messes with our focus on what we want Worrying messes with our ability to “think” about having what we want instead of not having it.
It has been my experience that there are several ways to categorize us humans: partly sunny vs. partly cloudy, positive vs. negative, optimistic vs. pessimistic, and my favorite, process vs. goal.
Personally, I find process type people are generally more content with life and where they are while still working on the goals they set for themselves.
Goal people tend to come in two main styles: focused on goals but happy today and focused on goals and never happy in the present. So is the latter an example of wanting it sooo much that you don’t “get it” (get it?) and that if we’re not happy today, it doesn’t matter what goal we reach in the future, it won’t make a difference for long? Maybe.
Now for those Five Steps to creating the life you want.
1) Figure out what you want. Sometimes this is the toughest part. HINT: You must sit still long enough to let it come to you. How long has it been since you’ve just sat with yourself?
2) Figure out what it will look like and feel like to have it. The more concrete and detailed you can make this the better. If you walk into the BMW dealer and say, “I want a new car.” the salesperson probably won’t really know what to show you.
4) Associate and disassociate with the thing you want; i.e., see it “through” your own eyes as if you are seeing it already done AND see yourself in the future having what it is you want as if you’re watching yourself in your own life’s movie. This helps not only pave the way for an event you’ve already put into your future but keeps you focused on that future.
5) Then simply enjoy what comes. Need I say more?
All of this “stuff” about creating your life is easy to teach to your children, if you have them. If you don’t have any, find one. They are everywhere and they deserve to know these simple, life creation tools. Do a dream board together as a family activity. Read books about creating your lives together.
The bottom line is that we all have it in us to create the lives we wish. It is my experience that if we are not doing it, we either don’t know what we want, don’t know the tools to create the lives we want or, the life we’re living is serving us somehow. We’ll leave THAT idea for another time.
For older teens getting ready to go off to college or move out on their own, insist on making an actual date with your bank representative to talk about fees, interest rates, etc. You’d be surprised at the questions teens ask bankers (we know…we did this in last summer’s Moving Out! for Teens program here in Santa Barbara).
Now for those Five Steps to creating the life you want.