From what parents tell me, sometimes it’s just plain challenging to talk to your children and teens about money. Heck, sometimes it’s even hard to talk to your adult children about money. We understand.
For whatever reason, as parents, sometimes the words just don’t come naturally. Add to that our own insecurities around money and wealth and well, sometimes it’s just messy.
In my book, The Ultimate Allowance, I give you pointers on how to talk to your children when they find themselves in different, and often difficult, financial situations:
When they make a great choice with their money.
When they make a poor choice (pun intended) with their money.
When they ask you to pay for something when they have their own money.
When they rebel or complain about having to be financially responsible.
When they run out of money (as they invariably will).
Helping Your Kids Fly High With Money
So, for your reading pleasure today, I’m giving you the section in The Ultimate Allowance entitled, What To Say When.
What To Say When…
They make a great choice…
This is the best time of all! Sarah Singer-Nourie, in the book she coauthored on accelerated learning called Quantum Teaching, likes to say, “If it’s worth learning, it’s worth celebrating.”
A pat on the back and a rousing, “Great job!” is the first place to start when it comes to making children feel great about themselves and their choices. They learn to associate great money choices with positive reactions from you and others, but best of all, they associate these great choices with positive feelings within themselves.
In addition to celebrating a really big win with them when they make a great choice, you might reward your child with the following:
• A special night out for dinner, a movie, ice cream, concert, or some other activity they enjoy.
• A bonus to put into their FREEDOM Jar: cash, shares of stock in their name, etc.
• Something they love, like a new book, art supplies, etc.
A couple of points: I’d refrain from celebrating with the purchase of piddlyjunk because the message there is, “Spend money when you feel good,” and that’s not the message you want them to take into adulthood. I’d also suggest that they invite a friend to help them celebrate, thereby setting a great example for the friend as well.
Again, save the special celebrating for times when they’ve had a really great success or win, not every time, or they’ll learn to save and invest because they are being externally rewarded. We want them to be motivated internally for life so they’ll manage their money wisely just because they should and they learned it’s how you become financially secure.
They make a poor choice (i.e., a mistake)…
I truly believe that, for the most part, kids don’t get up in the morning and ask themselves, “I wonder how I can mess up my life (or my parent’s life) today?” Mistakes are just their way (and our way) of learning about the world. Kids generally want to do their best, just like us. Remember, we are generally all doing our best with the information we have at the time.
When kids do make mistakes, we have a choice in how we respond. Some responses tend to make kids defensive—causing them to hold back or lie to you—while other responses help create kids who easily and happily learn from their mistakes.
Kids who fear punishment, or the loss of love, in response to their mistakes, learn to hide their mistakes. These children live in two different places: one where they have the love and support of their parents, and another where they feel that if their mistakes were discovered, they would be undeserving of that love. It’s hard for these kids to fully accept their parents’ love and support even when it is expressed. It’s also difficult for these kids to set high standards for themselves, because they tend to be afraid of failing.
In life, there really are no failures, only learning opportunities, so please be careful with your words. One of my favorite sayings is that the only real failure in life is the failure to participate. I love this philosophy. What if kids were encouraged to try all sorts of different things and make mistakes in order to learn? What if we intentionally set them up for success every day? What a difference that would make in our society!
From my experience working with adults, many of them are so afraid of failing that they often won’t even try new things; they don’t feel good enough or worthy of success because of the way they were treated as kids.
Here are some suggestions if you are committed to raising kids who can learn from their mistakes, and you’re not afraid of making a few of your own:
• Accept the idea that your kids are doing their best, and embrace the idea that they’ll learn faster from their mistakes if they are in an environment that accepts mistakes. This means that you must set the example by not getting upset when you, yourself, make a poor choice. Let your children hear you say out loud, “Wow, that decision/choice didn’t lead me in the direction I wanted to go. I wonder what I can learn from this?”
• If you’re having difficulty (frustration or impatience) with your child’s mistakes, understand that this may be a reflection of your difficulty in dealing with your own mistakes. Be aware of this connection and deal with your own issues first. Your frustration may also have to do with your ‘expectations’ of your child’s behavior. I heard a wonderful saying once, ”Expectations are resentments under construction.” I think that says it all.
Remember that our children aren’t in this world to do as WE please. They are here to grow up and be their own unique person.
• Learn to recognize the negative shaming messages that we can easily give to our kids without realizing it. These messages can do a lot of damage and make them feel unworthy. Here’s a few of them:
“You should be ashamed of yourself.”
“How could you have done that?”
“You don’t listen to me!”
“That was a dumb question.”
“What were you thinking?”
“How you could be so stupid?”
“You can do better than that!”
“What’s the matter with you?”
“Why can’t you be like your sister or brother?”
• Continually provide your kids with learning experiences, and at the same time, structure their environment so they can’t make too many mistakes. For example, consider providing their allowance once a week if they have been getting it once a month, rather than giving them a whole months’ worth of money to deal with at once if they seem to be struggling.
• Again, provide a great role model for your children by the way you react when you make your own mistakes. Do you get defensive and stretch the truth, or do you “own” the mistake and learn something from it? Create an environment at home that’s based on learning from mistakes.
There are plenty of daily opportunities to show our kids the patience, acceptance and discipline it takes to allow us all to learn from our mistakes. Give your kids the room they need and deserve so that they can learn organically; in other words, let them learn by doing and experiencing. Sometimes, it’s not just the choices you make, but what you make of the choices.
Some things you can say to your child are:
“It’s perfectly OK to make a poor choice. It’s how I have learned some of my biggest lessons in life. I remember one time when I __________________ (fill in the blank . . . give him a personal example to relate to).”
Then ask, “So, what did you learn from this choice?”
Don’t make what they chose or did wrong (notice the word ‘poor’ in the sentence above) and don’t give them more lesson than they are ready for. One good lesson learned per mistake is about all kids can handle. (It’s about all adults can handle, too.)
Another option:
“Hey, I make mistakes myself. Everyone I know makes mistakes. Big deal. Fact is, no one who is great ever got great without making a lot of mistakes. It’s how we learn.”
“Would you like to talk about some other options you might be able to choose next time?”
And yet another:
“I know how you feel. I remember when I used to do ____________________ when I was your age. Boy, what a bummer. I can totally relate.”
Really get on their level and help them feel like you really do relate to their experience (and mean it). Let them know it’s OK, no one is perfect, and tell them there’s a reason the front windshield in a car is bigger than the rear view mirror: we need to spend most of our time looking forward, not backward. A couple of fun sayings to instill are:
“Live and learn,” and, “Correct and continue.”
A note about the power of words: It is my personal belief that words are powerful. I also believe they can mean nothing and everything, all at the same time; it just depends on what you make them mean. Because we do tend to make them mean more than they usually mean, do your best to refrain from using the word ‘mistake.’ Frame your children’s actions and behaviors as a choice that didn’t lead toward a desired goal or use the terms supportive and nonsupportive.
Some of this information was found at: www.markbrandenburg.com
They ask you to pay for something…
This situation is bound to happen. Remember Conclusion Number Two: children would rather spend your money than theirs. If they think there’s a good chance that you’ll buy something for them that they haven’t saved for, they are liable to ask you to do it over and over and over again.
While there’s nothing wrong with occasionally buying something extra for your child, just remember your intention for this program: preparing your child for financial self-reliance. If you continually buy things for your children, they are not learning how to be self-reliant.
When you DO decide to buy something for your child:
1) Don’t do it when they are begging; and,
2) Work out a cooperative plan with your child. For instance, you could agree to pay for a portion of the purchase and they save up for the rest, or they agree on some other type of exchange for helping them purchase something they want.
NEVER, I repeat NEVER agree to loan your child an advance on their allowance, unless, of course, you charge them interest!
Let there be lessons in it all. If you loan them money without charging them interest, you are teaching them how to use credit cards without the card. If you want to go one step further, have them sign a promissory note, as well. My Mom always did this with me and you can imagine how official it always felt. There was NO way I would have ever missed a payment or not paid her back. And, I might add, that she never hesitated loaning me money!
I also think it’s fine to buy kids something special if you’re away on a trip or you just see something that you know they would love. We all love surprises.
They rebel or complain…
As I’ve said, occasionally there is a child, typically a Money Monk or an Avoider in the making, who just doesn’t want to deal with the whole issue of money. It’s usually a matter of not wanting the responsibility that comes along with it or their being so busy or focused elsewhere that they don’t want to deal with it. If this is the case with your child, there are some things you can do.
First, do what you can to uncover the root of the problem. Even children have the beginnings of deep-seated beliefs about money, and although most children crave independence, many of them are scared to death of the idea of taking care of themselves. (This is also one of the reasons adult children move back in with their parents, or never leave in the first place.)
A couple of questions to consider:
1) Is your child responsible for too many things in his life already?
2) Is he involved in too many activities and can’t deal with the idea of one more thing to handle?
3) Has she watched you or someone else express negative emotions or anger in regard to the responsibilities around money and financial matters?
The answers to these questions may give you some insights into your child’s unwillingness or inability to embrace the idea of taking care of his own money needs.
When approaching a child who just flat out doesn’t want to deal with money, some well thought out questions leading to a nonemotional conversation (on your side) might just tip the scales in your favor. Ask him what money means to him. Ask him what his life would be without money. Ask him who is going to handle the money when he gets older, and other questions like these. If you still don’t get anywhere with your child, elicit the help of one of your child’s adult friends; an uncle, aunt, friend or teacher. You never know who may have access to the inner workings of your child’s mind and heart.
Again, do your best to uncover the why. Then you’ll know how to help him through the challenge and gently ease him into a life of financial responsibility. Keep in mind this isn’t a life or death issue (at this point) so take your time and gradually you’ll find the answers. The most important thing to remember is to create a safe place where the child can talk and express his thoughts and feelings about money and taking care of his own financial needs.
They run out of money…
It’s bound to happen; children make poor choices just like we do. A great way to handle this situation is to ask questions:
1) How do you feel about choosing to spend your money that way?
2) How does it feel to not have enough money left over to pay for the things you need to pay for?
3) What are the consequences of this choice?
4) Didn’t you make an agreement to budget your money so you could pay for the things we agreed you’d pay for?
5) What do you think I should do to help you?
6) Is there something that influenced the decision that led to this situation?
7) How can I support you in the future so this doesn’t happen again?
8) What did you learn from this choice?
9) Would you like to make a new agreement?
10) So, what are you going to do now?
And so forth. Unless it’s an emergency, my advice is: don’t bail him out. You must let him experience the consequences of making a poor financial choice or the lesson will be lost. One of the belief systems you don’t want to foster is that someone is always going to be there to rescue him. This is a common belief that parents instill in their children by the responses they make when their children make poor financial choices. It does not serve your children to rescue them. Our number one principle in all of our programs is:
Please don’t chastise or criticize him either. He knows he made a poor choice (the words poor choice hold less judgment than bad choice). As I keep saying, we all make mistakes, and we stress in our all of our camps and programs that financial freedom is your responsibility and it’s all simply a matter of making choices. These times are the perfect times for your kids to start really paying attention to all of the financial choices they make, big and small.
If you’re lucky, the idea of life being the sum of their choices will transfer to other areas of their lives; relationships, attitudes, school, fitness, health and more. This is how we create responsible adults instead of victims.
So, there you have it. Ways to encourage and support your child along their own path to financial responsibility and wisdom. Take every opportunity you can to encourage learning through their experiences and yours. I promise this WILL pay big rewards later.
Every once in a while I find someone who knows a lot about something I only know the basics about. Debt Reductions and Credit Scores are one of those areas. I know a lot but Philip Tirone is an expert in this area.
Many months ago Philip hosted a teleseminar for us with this great information but because of some unfortunate technical problems, the call got dropped for quite a few of you and you missed this very important information.
HE HAD NEW CREDIT INFO TO SHARE
Because I suspect many of you are struggling with credit card trouble and trying to figure out how to get out of debt so they can more forward financially, I asked him if he’d come back and do it again! He said YES and we’ve scheduled the call for Wednesday April 6th. Time will be our usual 6:00 PM PST (9:00 PM EST).
I asked that he send a little information that I could share with you before hand. What you have here is one of Philip’s clever videos (wait until you watch it…and it’s short!) and a little bit to read to prep you for his call on the 21st!
So, put the date on your calendar so you don’t miss it and yes, I’ll send you more info and reminders as we get closer. You do NOT want to miss this call.
Guest Blogger: Philip Tirone
Before or after you read the post, watch his short video:
Here’s what would make me happy: if the banks we bailed out participated in our effort to come up with strategies for debt reduction. But when I went into a major bank with a SpyCam, I learned that banks are not the least bit interested in helping customers raise their credit score and lower their debt.
Do the banks give consumers the right information about how their credit cards affect their credit scores?
Nope.
Do they tell people how to rebound after bankruptcy, foreclosure, or major financial catastrophe?
Nope.
Do they train their bankers to help consumers learn the basics of how to build credit?
Nope again.
And why should they? If you have a low credit score, you will have high interest rates. The higher your interest rates, the more money the banks make.
But in my opinion, the banks are being short-sighted. If banks helped consumers learn strategies for debt reduction through credit improvement, the economy would rebound, which would help the banks because more people could qualify for loans.
Just look at the numbers:
100 million Americans have credit scores that fall below 720, the cutoff for getting the best interest rates.
A person with bad credit pays and extra $212,040 over the course of a 30-year, $300,000 fixed-rate mortgage. Add in interest on car loans and credit cards, and these people are spending an extra $600 or $700 each and every month in interest alone.
By my estimates, we could save 100,000 American households $300 a month, simply by providing the facts about credit-scoring. That’s an extra $360 billion a year that would be pumped back into the economy.
Watch this SpyCam video, and tell me: Don’t you think the banks we bailed out should participate in strategies for debt reduction?
Leave your comments and tell us what YOU think!
A person with bad credit pays and extra $212,040 over the course of a 30-year, $300,000 fixed-rate mortgage. Add in interest on car loans and credit cards, and these people are spending an extra $600 or $700 each and every month in interest alone.
One of the things I tell the folks who attend our life-altering Creative Wealth Train-the-Trainer workshop is that I need them not to put me on a pedestal. It might seem like a strange thing to say right off the bat, but here’s why I say it…
I want them to know that we all make mistakes and it’s OK to make them. That I am no different and I am the person I am because of those mistakes and what I’ve learned from them.
I want them to know that their best work will come from mistakes they have made and lessons they have learned.
I want them to know that they will become better teachers when they learn to teach from a profound place of authenticity and honesty…no matter what the topic.
I want them to know my background, that I’m not perfect, that I’m still learning and that that’s all there really is in life…learning and growing (well, in addition to love and chocolate, of course).
I couldn’t agree with him more! After all, how do you think we all get good at what we’re good at? We had to learn, just like the next guy and we were prompted to learn by mistakes, lack of education, missing pieces, emotional or physical pain, and a whole host of other motivators that move us to take on the challenges we take on.
Life Lessons you can’t afford to ignore
So I was sitting here pondering what to share with you today and what came bubbling to the surface were the many lessons I have learned, and am STILL learning, about money, and especially, business. So if you’ll humor me…here goes.
Lesson #1: Never, never, never fall in love with your idea.
It WILL morph many times and what ends up working may not look at all like what you started out with.
Lesson #2: Get advice.
Get LOTS of advice. And then get MORE advice after that.
Lesson #3: STOP with the too many projects thing!
This is one of my biggest challenges. I am delighted and fascinated by so many things and the thing that I am best at and love the most is creating. My mind never stops thinking up new ways to do things and the projects that are on my ‘back burner’ could fill up the ARK!
I am challenged by this almost every day and it is difficult to put my creative juices ‘on hold’ simply because I need to focus on marketing the amazing programs and products that already exist.
What I do to force myself to focus now is to remember that unless millions of people and children experience our unique brand of financial education, I can’t make the difference I truly want to make in the world.
Oh, and I have developed a ‘to do’ list system that keeps me focused. I guess that’s lesson 3A:-)!
Lesson #4: Finish what you start.
Need I say more?
Lesson #5: You can never do enough planning.
Budgetary planning, marketing planning, PR planning, packing for camp planning, future planning! Even though I teach children and adults about setting goals, and know they are important for many most, it’s important to understand yourself in relationship to goals in general.
I set goals often for myself (I do practice what I preach:-) but the idea (and ability) of setting LONG term goals has always alluded me. I’m great at setting short term goals deadlines and completing projects on time; I just don’t ‘get’ the long term thing. Never have…never will.
What I want to share with you about goals is this…what has helped me is learning a long time ago that some people are goal-oriented and others are process-oriented. I am a pure process-oriented person and once I understood and accepted that, I was able to joyfully wrinkle my nose at the idea of setting long term goals. I’d invite you to do the same if you are a process-oriented human. Your life will instantly become more enjoyable.
Note: There’s a great book called Goal Free Living that you might enjoy. It brought me peace and sanity!
Lesson #6: Make sure you ALWAYS and forever listen to your gut.
In the beginning, when I started the first Money Camp for Kids program in 2002, I chose to go the nonprofit route. And I always had this sensation that something just didn’t jive for me there. After all, here I was teaching kids to start businesses, be little (and BIG) entrepreneurs, be their own BOSSes, create passive income vehicles and there I was, writing grants (which I never did very well because I could barley stomach the idea) and doing programs for less than they were worth. I had fallen into what I call the “Non-profit Myth”…that’s the myth that because something is considered ‘doing good’ in the world, it somehow should be given away and not paid for. YUK.
Two years ago I switched gears to build an empire for ME because after all, I was teaching kids to be responsible for themselves and being one of the most responsible people on the planet, I wasn’t able to do that for myself with the nonprofit. My gut feels much better now running it as a for profit corporation. I will make it or fail as a result of my own doing…it’s not dependent on anyone giving me funding for this or for that. I prefer it this way.
Note: the nonprofit does still exist, however, as we use it to collect scholarships for low-income families. This is how it SHOULD have been used from the beginning. (Hidden lesson:-)
Oh, how I wish I’d learned this earlier. I’m one of those who knows how to do it all so…I do it all! Stupido beyond belief. Don’t do that. There are so many people around the world willing and wanting to do all myriad of tasks for you for very little so you (I) can do what we should be doing: working ON the business and not IN the business. I’m praying I didn’t learn this lesson too late.
Lesson #8: Don’t put all your financial eggs into one basket, or your business.
I teach this. I practice it with my retirement accounts. I’ve learned many financial lessons over the past several years the hard way. Lessons like:
Don’t buy real estate in Arizona when the market is high (I was naive and didn’t know what questions to ask…I was trying to do what I was taught…real estate is a great investment, right?) and especially don’t buy it when your best friend says, “You know, there’s something about this deal…”
Don’t assume your financial advisor WILL get you out of the market on time. He didn’t. I took all my money back and invested it in stocks that I knew and understood (I’m an Apple girl…what can I say:-). What he lost in a heart beat I have made back in a year. I like being in charge of my own investments.
It’s important to pay yourself something out of your business and know how long you can go on how little before you find yourself looking for ‘work’ in order to keep the business going. When the business needs cash to grow, like Creative Wealth does now, it’s important to understand your own limits. I’m examining them now. We should all examine our own limits on a regular basis.
Lesson #9: It’s perfectly perfect to enroll those who have come to your programs, loved them and taken away value to help you with projects in the future.
My best friend and partner, Steve Gordon (the impetus behind our new coloring book) has told me for years to ask previous attendees to help volunteer at events, help with marketing and more. And I’m happy to say that I have learned this lesson well and that many of you show up and help regularly. Thank you for that. And thank you Steve for continuing to suggest it until I ‘got it’!
Lesson #10: Know when to quit.
You know the saying “Winners never quit and quitters never win”? Well, I’ve been pondering this saying for a long time now, and I’ve even talked about it before in articles. I think it’s ‘bullpucky’ as they say and here’s why…
Winners–people who accomplish things they set out to accomplish–quit all the time. However, there’s a big difference between quitting because you just don’t want to work hard anymore and choosing to quit because you realize an idea just isn’t going to work and to continue pursuing it would be financial, emotional, spiritual and mental suicide.
Quitting can be the exact right thing to do.
One of my favorite passions (I have so many of them…see Lesson #3) is to invite people to ‘think differently’ about things. To ask them to question WHY they believe what they believe and to inquire within themselves as to how a particular belief serves…or rather DOESN’T serve…them. More often than not, the context through and by which we live our lives isn’t a context we’ve consciously choosen for ourselves. We’ve inherited this context from our parents, our friends, the media, our teachers, our culture and more.
So what have I REALLY learned since starting down this path to teach myself, as others, about money, personal finance and wealth?
That when you do something that helps other people, it’s hard to call it work and at the same time, that work can take over your life and is not necessarily the best thing for you in the end.
That the only thing that really matters is that we consciously, with full awareness, learn to choose how to SPEND our days here on earth. How are you SPENDING yours?
That it’s OK to ask for help when you need it.
I’m going to end this with a reminder that as I am just a girl who had an idea and acted upon it and has learned lots of lessons and continues to do so. And YOU are just a guy or girl in the exact same place. I enjoy it. I hope you do as well.
As parents, most of us want our children to have a happy childhood and, way too often, that translates into ‘doing’ for our children so that they can experience life in as pleasant a way as possible…before they grow up and have to be so darn responsible.
The mistake parents make, however, is doing TOO much for their children. I have heard this theme too many times over the past few years…parents doing so much for their children that the kids grow up having no idea how to do anything for themselves.
THIS, in my opinion, is child abuse. One of the most debilitating things you can do as a parent is keep your children from facing scary situations, accomplishing small and great tasks, going beyond what they think they’re capable of on a regular basis, trying new things, learning that there is no real thing as failure…only feedback until you figure it out.
I coach adults all of the time who have no sense of being able to take care of themselves…and not just in the financial realm. I talk to women (and men) who can’t cook, don’t know how to plant a seed in the ground and help it grow, have’t a clue how to think through a problem to come up with myriad of viable solutions, pump gas or add oil to a car, and I could go on.
Perhaps it’s the fact that I was raised on a farm by parents who empowered us to do practically everything that I find other people’s inability to do so many things in such stark contrast to my own life. In so many ways, it saddens me because it keeps human beings from fully being able to manifest their dreams.
I raised my son the same way I was raised…in a way that created a human being cable of taking on the world.
I vividly remember a time when my son was around 8 years old. We had gone somewhere he really didn’t want to go on a Sunday morning. When we were finished…I vaguely think it was church with a friend…he asked me nicely, “So, I went with you for your thing, can I have a donut?”
Well, donuts weren’t something we regularly indulged in as a family so that fact that he asked for this special dispensation touched me sweetly and I said, “Of course.”
I took him to our local donut shop in Corvallis, Oregon where we lived at the time and parked right in front of the doors that led into the cute little shop. I got into my wallet, took out two dollars and handed them to him. “Go get what you want and get a little surprise for me, too.” He looked at me in horror. “Aren’t you coming in with me?” he asked.
“Nope, you’re old enough and big enough to get your own donut so go on.” He hesitated a few seconds, thinking deeply on the choices…go alone and get the yummy thing he’d been craving all morning or stay in safety and miss out on the donut. It only took him a few seconds before I saw him take a deep breath, puff his chest really broad and open the car door to take on the challenge.
He was proud in that moment…and so was I. Not because he had accomplished the feat yet, but because he knew he could do it!
You see, it’s the knowing that you CAN do things that propels us forward towards our goals…having the confidence in our own abilities to take on a task, tackle a problem, learn a new skill, address a new challenge. THIS is what creates adults with true self-esteem.
I have spoken with people who have a grand desire to ‘teach’ self-esteem and, each time, I explain that self-esteem can not be taught. It can only be developed in a person by that person learning to do things and feeling empowered and able to do things on their own.
But back to the donut story…
There were double front doors to the donut shop. They were the kind of doors with nine little framed windows on the top of each door so that you could see inside. My son’s little muscles struggled to open the right side door but evidently the door was a little on the heavy side. An elderly couple saw him trying his best and the man got up quickly and helped him open the door.
The man also glanced up at me and when I gave him a thumbs up, I could tell that he knew exactly what was going on.
I proudly and delightfully watched as my son went up to the counter, scanned the dozens of types of pastries and finally pointed to two different ones as the woman behind the counter gathered the donuts, took his two dollars and gave him back his change.
In that moment, my son grew in monumental ways that I can’t describe. It still brings tears to my eyes…thinking about how happy he was to have accomplished what would have been a simple task to me but was a HUGE task for him.
The same elderly gentleman helped him push open the door, smiled again at me having watched the entire transaction himself, and then watched as Andrew got back into the car, handed me the change and sat back to enjoy his compensation…the yummy, sweet, sticky, gooey combination we call a donut.
We sat for a few moments and shared what might of been a lost opportunity for growth in so many ways, wallowing in the bond that was created by my empowering him with the knowledge that he could do it himself.
Throughout his childhood, I ceased doing things FOR him whenever I sensed he was ready to do those things for himself. It was the best thing for him and the best thing for me because now, I have a 26 year old fully functioning, self-sufficient young man for a son who can do anything he sets his mind on.
There are many reason why parents don’t help their children learn to be adults. Many parents don’t have a clue how to do things for themselves yet (like in the area of money) and many parents are too busy to take the time and make the effort to let their children learn this way.
I challenge to really look at your role as a parent in terms of how well you’re doing in the area of raising a self-sufficient adult who can take care of himself/herself in every way possible. And if you aren’t able to do this, I encourage you to find support in this area. Your child’s future depends on this training.
So ask yourself these simple questions:
What can I begin letting my child(ren) do today that they haven’t done yet but might be ready to do?
What has my child been wanting to learn that “I” haven’t been ready to let him try? Can I set aside my own fears and empower him instead?
What is my child afraid of and how can I help him over those fears?
What examples am I setting for my child in the area of being responsible for myself and being willing to take risks in order to learn and grow each day?
Those are just a few simply inquiries you can do each day to see how you’re doing in terms of truly preparing your child for a future where he is ready to take on the world. And isn’t that what we, as parents, ultimately want?
Please use the comment form below to share your own personal parenting stories of triumph with your children!
All across the world, in media ranging from internet articles to news shows, people are asking the question, “What do I say to my kids about the economy?”
To answer this question, we need to understand why adults are generally uncomfortable talking about money to their children in the first place. It all started when THEY were young.
Picture this…you spend 17 years of your life interacting, and having conversations with, your family about every subject under, and over, the rainbow. Every subject but one that is…the subject of money rarely comes to the surface and when it does, there is emotion attached to the conversation in one way or another.
Then, when you reach the ripe old age of 30, someone suggests that you start investing some of the money you earn each month so that when you want to stop working at some point in your life, you’ll be able to because THAT money will then be your paycheck.
Wow. What a profoundly hardcore realization that is…shoots right through to your core. What? Why didn’t anyone suggest this to me earlier? I thought I was smart. I thought I was educated. I thought dear old mom and dad had taught me everything I needed to know to grow up happy, healthy and wise.
Ah, it was happy, healthy, WEALTHY and wise. You’re beginning to see the problem…and it’s a world-wide, emotionally charged issue that must be changed in order for human beings to begin having the conversation about world-wide peace.
If you understand the concept of Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs, you realize that we can’t move past human beings’ primary drive to survive by providing for their basic necessities in life until we all learn how to handle and grow our money wisely.
Parent’s Duty to Prepare Children to Handle Money
Though studies show that many parents want to roll the responsibility of teaching their children about money onto the shoulders of teachers…it’s not fair, acceptable and especially not possible, for this to happen anytime soon.
There are a couple of other issues to the “It’s the school’s responsibility” argument we need to consider.
First, if you leave the job of creating financially savvy adults to your children’s teachers, you have to accept that they may not teach your child the things your child really needs to know.
Second, personal finances is something the majority of teachers don’t know anything about and are often upset about, so it might not be the best choice to have schools in charge of the financial education of our youth. After all, if you want your child to learn to swim, wouldn’t you hire a trained swimming instructor for the job?
Third, you’re forgetting that you decided to bring this child into the world and, regardless upon who’s shoulders you’d like to place this responsibility, it rests solely on your own.
Lastly, even if our schools did decide to take it on as an important subject, they are so mired in their own dysfunction, we can pretty much be assured it wouldn’t end up looking like what it needs to look like to be effective.
Bottom line…if you’re the parent, it’s up to you to prepare your children to handle money wisely as adults. And even more than that, it’s up to you to teach them how to build lives that are meaningful and satisfying – and those two things generally require quite a lot of skill with money.
Taking the “bill” by the horns
OK, so you know you have to do it…you have to have the money talk with your kids. WRONG. This is not a talk.
Talking to your kids
This is a conversation, and it’s a conversation that begins the first time your child sees a penny and asks, “What’s that?” You need to be prepared to answer the question in a way that propels that child toward a future where money is a tool to reach their dreams and help other people reach their dreams…and nothing more.
As parents, what we say and do with our own money, and how we expose our children to this wonderful resource, is critical to the end result.
Based on what we say and do with money, our children attach meaning to money that eventually dictates who they end up BEING with money.
Before we look at the four keys to having life-changing conversations with your kids about money, let’s get one thing straight…YOU do not have to be a financial genius to do this. You don’t even have to be good with money yourself. You simply have to make the commitment that you’re going to do your very best to prepare your children to handle money wisely.
The Four Keys to Great Money Conversations
Yes, there are only four things to remember when it comes to talking to your kids about money…
Keep emotion about of the conversation.
Ask, don’t tell.
Be willing to explore that magical milieu of money with your children.
Don’t be attached to the end result.
Keep The Emotion Out of the Picture
Having unemotional conversations about money is like not having popcorn when you go to the movies. They just seem to go together…but in reality, the popcorn is unhealthy, the salt cuts your mouth to shreds if you eat more than you should and you probably end up experiencing a little bit of tummy upset in the end. But oh…you just couldn’t seem to help yourself.
Having unemotional conversations about money is kinda like that. You try but it just creeps in and before you know it, your children are experiencing money on a level that they aren’t ready to deal with and that doesn’t help them learn to be wealthy in the long run.
The financial baggage children bring with them into adulthood is what keeps them from being savvy with it…keeps them from saving for and investing later…keeps them from ever being able to be fully responsible for their lives financially.
When you inadvertently, and unconsciously, attach emotion to money, you make it mean more than it is. It’s just a tool, a medium of exchange…it’s how we trade our time and energy for something else we need.
But humans have, from the beginning of time it seems, gone out of their way to attach extraneous meaning to the green stuff we need to live each day. We’ve grown up thinking that money means…
Something about who we are as a person.
Whether we’re good enough, lovable enough or worthy enough to have money.
That our self-worth is tied to our net-worth.
That we’re better than, smarter than, prettier than people who have less money.
That money…specifically how much we have or don’t have…is a cause for such extreme stress that we make ourselves sick over it.
And lastly, that the ‘stuff’ money can buy us will in some way bring us happiness.
So how, then, DO you talk to your kids? You do so with just the facts. Facts like…
It takes this much money to live this way and that much money to live that way.
When we get older, we’re probably not going to want to work full-time anymore (except perhaps volunteering and giving back) so we have to prepare for that day by saving and investing, i.e., putting our money to work for us so it grows.
If you want to have money in your life, you’re going to have to work for it. Notice that it doesn’t say work HARD for it…it just says WORK for it. Working hard is a judgment and has emotion attached to it. Though this may be your experience, it’s not a fact.
This is a credit card. This is how it works. This is what you have to pay when you don’t pay it off every month. This is what that money would be worth if you weren’t paying it in interest every month.
Remember…facts. Nothing more.
The biggest challenge here for you, the parent, is that you’re still, more than likely, dealing with your own financial baggage. All the more reason to immerse yourself in how to escape your own money quagmire at the same time. Everyone wins this way.
Note: If you’re ready to extract yourself from your own money past, please read, Secrets of the Millionaire Mind by T. Harv Eker. It’s the most profoundly effective book on understanding what he calls your ‘financial thermostat’ on the market. He also has a three-day workshop called The Millionaire Mind Intensive that will knock the socks off your currently warped financial persona so you can move forward financially in ways you never dreamed.
Ask, Don’t Tell
This is one of the key ingredients in effective, and enjoyable, education. Human beings generally don’t do well when they are told how things are, told what they need to be doing or told how things will be if they don’t do this or that.
Kids especially don’t do well because their entire future is based upon learning to do things their own way. The quest toward becoming an individual permeates every aspect of their lives and the topic of money is not immune to this process.
So instead of always telling (lecturing), ask questions…and ask them often. When the topic of money comes up for whatever reason, ask your children:
What they think about the situation or idea.
What they learned from the experience, be it personally involved or watching someone else in a certain situation.
How they would have handled it.
What emotions they might have experienced (yes, this is the time to bring in emotion but their emotions, not yours).
How a certain situation might have caused them to create certain thoughts, beliefs or attitudes about money and finances. Explore how those thoughts, beliefs or attitudes that are supportive or unsupportive in terms of growing up to be money savvy adults. (p.s. this is also a great exercise for you!)
Once you experience how much easier it is to ‘talk’ to your children by asking questions, you’ll be more comfortable bringing up practically any subject you think pertinent to their futures.
Let Financial Education Be A Family Affair
Quite often we think we have to be an expert at something before we can teach it to others. Our kids, however, don’t necessarily buy into this belief.
Because children are often starving for time with their parents, suggesting that you learn about money and investing as a family might bring them the togetherness they crave and need.
Here are just a few activities you can do together, either as a family or with just one child at a time:
Go to a workshop specifically designed to teach children about money and volunteer to help at the event (Camp Millionaire is a great place to start:-).
Visit the library and find financial books (they exist for all ages) that your child finds interesting. Read them together.
Do research on the internet and read articles you find on the stock market, investing in real estate, building businesses…especially online businesses.
If you take the paper or a financial magazine, read the financial sections together and, if you don’t understand a certain word or concept, look it up together.
Play financial games like Monopoly, Cash Flow for Kids, Cash Flow 101 (adult version which older kids love).
Here’s an interesting idea: pay your older children to read financial books tailored specifically for them and have them present the information in the book to you in either written form (book report), or better yet, have the whole family turn the information into a play and present it to the neighborhood or your church!
Take your children to appointments with your CPA or attorney or business consultant. Let them see you in action and allow them to ask questions.
Help your child find mentors in areas of money they find interesting. They can then bring information home and share it with the whole family.
Opportunities abound when it comes to learning about money…making it, saving it, investing it, using it to help others. Just open your eyes and you’ll see money and personal finance educational opportunities everywhere.
Don’t Be Attached To The Result
This may be the most difficult aspect of educating your children about money. It’s completely possible that your children, though being raised by exactly the same parents with the same parenting philosophy, skills, goals, etc., will grow up to have completely different ways of being with money. This is because there’s more at play here than what you bring to the table as a parent.
There are inherent money personalities and unpredictable individual experiences and influences (media, teachers, classes, friends, cultures, generations, technology) that shape how our children ‘do money’ as adults.
When we have expectations of how something is going to turn out, we often unknowingly foist those expectations on others and are then critical, judgmental, cynical, angry or worse, when things don’t turn out as we planned. This is not an environment that fosters the learning, exploring and sharing of financial tools, skills and information.
The only thing you can do, is do your best and accept that they will ultimately choose to be, consciously or unconsciously, the type of person they grow into and there’s nothing you can do to change much of that.
Think of it this way…see your child’s brain as a computer. You spend 17 years installing programs into that brain that you hope will allow it to function well in the future. Only thing is…you can’t control the environment the computer functions in, the programs others install and their compatibility with the programs you’ve installed, the power to utilize the programs or the ability of the programs to adapt to new technology and information as time goes by.
So let’s review the four keys. Your job as the parent, is simply do your best to:
Keep the emotion out of the money conversations with your kids (and everyone else for that matter.
Ask your children tons of questions about money while they’re young so they can explore the ideas and experiences they and others have, and then learn from those experiences.
Turn learning about money into a family affair.
And finally, let go of the result. Know you did your best and let any expectations of how your children will handle money as an adult will vanish into the ethers.
There you have it…the recipe for great financial conversations with your children. Regardless of what the economy is doing ‘out there’, inside your own home, with your own children, you can make money a positive, interesting topic for all.
This past weekend, I had the privilege of seeing AVATAR in 3D at an IMAX theater. What a gift that was and I recommend it. I’ve heard stories of people struggling after seeing this film but truthfully, it is just a classic tale in so many ways. What makes it so beautiful is the environment that was created and the way the Pandorians (they lived on Pandora) live and interact with each other and with their environment (plants and animals).
The movie depicted human beings inhabiting their own ‘Avatar being’, in other words, when the humans connected on a brain level to their own Avatar beings, they BECAME that being and sensed everything their Avatar was sensing, experiencing the world as if they were that way.
The definition of an Avatar: the manifestation of a divine being into real life; the personification of a familiar idea. In our Creative Wealth programs we suggest that everyone has a ‘money personality’, i.e., a way of being around, and with, money. The idea of a Money Avatar is a little different.
The idea of a Money Avatar revolves around us first understanding our own natural tendency toward a certain money personality. In our programs, we use Olivia Mellan’s work for our four basic money personalities: Spender, Saver, Avoider and Monk. There a several more that she discusses in her articles and books, but these four describe the bulk of our money behaviors and actions.
Your Money Avatar
A Money Avatar, however, is who we WISH we could be. If we’re a naturally born spender, we might wish we had a little bit of the saver in us. If we’re a saver, we might wish we were a little bit more of a spender. If we are a money monk or an avoider, we may ache to wake up one day as a saver. The challenge is, how do we go from what seems to be the money personality we’re hard-wired to live into, and move into a completely different, and more financially supportive role such as a saver and investor?
Here are some steps you might take if you’re currently inhabiting a financial role or avatar that isn’t serving you and you’d rather play a different role:
Take some time to deeply understand your current tendency; the money personality that is the predominant driver in your behavior, choices and habits. Do some research, ask yourself where the driver comes from and how the driver took up permanent residence in your being. You must understand both the conscious and subconscious aspects to this current Avatar before you can choose an Avatar that is more supportive of your goals.
Next, study the type of Avatar you want to become. Study rich people, financially free individuals who live the way you’d like to live. And don’t make stuff up about rich people. Read biographies about successful people. Watch movies about their lives. A great way to learn about people with money is to take them to lunch! Ask them how they got where they are, what it took, what they learned, what their biggest lessons were. Don’t talk about you. You want to learn about them. Remember, it’s not what you already know; it’s what you’re open to learning that will move you from one Avatar to another.
Now, start taking little bits about what you learn and start incorporating those bits into who you already are. Shifts don’t happen overnight. You became who you are over time. You’ll become who you want to be over time as well. It’s important to incorporate new habits, behaviors and choices slowly so they can seep into your being.
If you do these three steps, you will be surprised at how quickly you’ll wake up living into your new Money Avatar.
