For years, I have listened to adults who say, “Kids just don’t have anything do to. They need youth-based centers where they can go and do things.”
Though I agree it’s great when kids and teens who need it have a safe place to go, I believe one of the main reasons we have so many problems with teens these days is because they don’t have enough things they HAVE to do.
And I do NOT mean homework. They have way too much of that!
What they don’t have to do is the stuff I had to do when I was young. I grew up on a small farm and, boy, did we have stuff we had to do!
We had to feed the horses and chickens and dogs, help mom weed the garden, clean out the stalls, help dad by fetching tools and digging holes, move irrigation pipes, help mom can, freeze, jam, jelly, preserve, pickle, and a whole lot more.
The difference between my experience, and every person I have ever talked to who grew up in a similar situation, is that we now know how to do things.
We can fix anything, mend anything, bake anything, freeze food, can food, kill food if needed. We can do plumbing and electrical and figure out what’s wrong with the tractor.
We know to use safety glasses and we know how to think about the stuff that can go wrong because my Mom always said, “Think before you do that so you can anticipate problems and accidents before they happen.” (Thanks Mom!)
We could use shop tools, pound nails, use a screw driver, measure things, make something level…and we drove trucks and tractors when our feet barely touched the pedals.
All this stuff we had to do led to an incredible amount of independence, security in terms of taking care of ourselves, and self-esteem because we knew we were so dang capable. And it wasn’t a conceited thing…we just felt good about what we could do.
Growing up on a farm
City Kids v. Country Kids
For the past many years, I have intimately watched how being raised in a city compares to being raised in the country.
My brother has two farm kids and my sister has two city kids. And I’d put money on my brother’s kids being the ones who grow up self-reliant and my sister’s kids becoming dependent on a system that continues to churn out, at best, semi-reliable employees and adults who think that others are responsible for their care.
My brother’s kids can hunt down dinner, skin it and have it fried up on the table in an hour if they had to. (Actually, they have…I was there:-).
My brother’s kids know how to plant and harvest enough vegetables to last until the next growing season. AND they love eating all those vegetables, too.
My sister’s kids have gotten to see much of this as they visit my brother several times a year on his huge farm in Eastern Oregon. At least they’ve seen and participated in that life, even if they haven’t had the benefit of learning from it for many years. But I will give my sister credit…she has taught her kids how to grow a few veggies and that’s a good thing.
So what’s my point? It’s just that the teens who get into what we call ‘trouble’, for the most part, are bored and they’re looking for meaning in an environment that rarely creates opportunities to develop the massive self-esteem and independence that having to do things affords.
What’s the answer? Make kids responsible for everything you can. Here are a couple of suggestions:
First, fire all but the head janitor at every school in America. Make the kids responsible for cleaning the school, inside and out. And I mean the whole school. Windows, floors, gum removal (I think that would stop), bathrooms, garbage, kitchen, mowing the lawns, sweeping the playgrounds.
Talk about teaching them to take care of their environment! Just imagine how a group of 10 year old students would handle the kid who threw his garbage on the ground instead of putting it in the trash!
Second, stop giving your kids money just to give them money. If you’ve read my Ultimate Allowance book, you know that I show you how to take the money you already spend ON them and run it THROUGH them while, at the same time, encouraging them to make their own money to buy the extra things they want. The system also includes a way for them to learn to save and invest at the same time.
By the time kids graduate from high school, they would be so good at making money we wouldn’t have to help them out nearly as much as we do now. And the ones who don’t go on to college? At least they know how to make a buck and know what to do with the bucks they make.
So I’ll end with this suggestion…
Ask yourself this question:
What am I doing for my child that he or she is capable of learning to do on his or her own?
Make a list of those things and start empowering your kids to do those things now. My philosophy when my son, Andrew, was growing up was that once he showed me he could do something once, I never did it for him again…even if he complained.
I find parents do things for their children because often it’s just easier to do the thing than have the child do the thing. I promise, that’s never the better choice for the child.
Now ask yourself this question:
What do I want my son or daughter to know how to do before they move out on their own?
Again, make a list and figure out how to teach them these things. If you can’t, find a friend, co-worker, or community organization/business who can.
Bottom line…if WE don’t make sure our children are prepared to do the things that life requires us to do, no one else will. And by giving them a whole lot more responsibility when they are young, we can be assured they can take care of themselves, and maybe even us, when they’re older.
I agree, our generation did have to do things kids today don’t and therefore they often take things for granted because they don’t have the same appreciation for them as we do. I also think it is time for schools to review the values they are teaching and re-prioritize life and social skills. Our young people need to be able to contribute to the sustainability and well-being of our communities in practical ways and they wont get this without experience.
Debbie, well said. I think the ‘No Child Left Behind Act” has made it so there is little time, energy or money to teach kids values. Could be the problem. Thanks for chiming in! E
I couldn’t agree with you more. I stopped making lunches for my daughters a few years ago as they know they need a protein, a fruit, a carb, etc. I let them put their knowledge to work.
When they were little I showed them how to sort their laundry. Now that they are older, I showed them how to use the washer and drier. I inquire if they have clean clothes, and found that when they run out they do their laundry. It doesn’t always get folded and put away, but then it’s their clothes and their image.
Same goes for their bathroom. I don’t go in there often, as I don’t want to see it, but have shown them how to clean it. I request they do so from time to time and when it gets really gross they do it on their own.
When they complain that they don’t want to or don’t have time to do these items, I give suggestions like make the lunch the night before, or fold the clothes while watching a TV show, but try to restrain myself from doing it for them.
I truly hope this helps them transition easier on their own in a few years when they go off to college…
Great work Amy! Keep it up. My son got really good at the things I made him do once he knew how to do them. It’s the only way they learn!
Well the first thing I thought of is the saying we use: “We are raising adults NOT raising children”. Most of the families that we associate with believe this too.
We try and walk that fine line of letting them have a childhood and letting them know how much work there is to do around the house. In school they are pushed so hard and there is so much homework that there has to be some “down time” for them. It’s tough.
About cleaning the school….the kids are only there for 6 hours. They have done away with art, music, computer lab, and P.E. No parent would want any of that time to go towards cleaning. There is so much curriculum the teachers have to cover now it’s ridiculous! I believe school should be longer hours, they should offer Saturday school and there should be summer school for all who want to participate (you know there is no summer school now right?). The school system is so broken it will take a lot to fix it.
Unfortunately, not every one has had the pleasure of having the experience of being raised on a farm where it really is required that you “do something”. That being said, I do agree with you that children need more responsibility. Coming from the beginning of the generation of children who’s parents gave them to much, put them into all the programs, but did not require them to do a whole heck of lot for these rewards, I have vowed not to do the same with my children. I, like you, require my children to do anything I have seen them do once before. It really is about setting standards for our children. On the other hand, I’m finding that as parents, because of the technology that our children are exposed to and use proficiently, a lot of parents just assume that their children can do the basics, when in fact these children have never been exposed or taught how to do it. I’m sure your parents didn’t just through you out to the hen house and say clean without either showing you how or you at least seeing your parents do it once. But that’s exactly what I am seeing happening with our teens today. As a society we can’t simply assume that they know how to do something that we know we have not taught them and then get upset with them when they don’t know what to do. Additionally, we are seeing a steady increase in the public schools cutting courses like wood shop, auto shop, home economics, business math, etc. It was in those classes where I ultimately learned things like how much of my income should go to rent, bills, etc., or even how to balance a check book, or how to build a basic book shelf. Children today just don’t get that kind of “education” anymore. As adults we have to take some responsibility to teach and show our young people what to do. As the scriptures say ” teach a child the way to go and he will never depart”. I would venture to say that you are a prime example of this scripture. (speaking as a mother of six with 2 teens)
Hi Tanya…I completely agree with everything you wrote. It is my belief that so many of our teens/gang problems could be solved or at least tempered if the kids were learning how to do things with their hands. My prediction is that today’s technology is not as great as everyone seems to think. And I do know that everyone doesn’t think it’s great to begin with. There’s an amazing book called The Shallows: What the internet is doing to our brains, that you would enjoy.
Thanks for chiming in! E